This is part of a message sent to me by Joel Ungar as he completed the eleven months of Kaddish for his Mother, Sharlene. I was, personally, very moved by his words. It has been fifteen years since the second and last time I experienced the ritual of daily kaddish upon the passing of my own mother, which was much different as an adult than it was as a child for my father some 35 years earlier. It is something that we are all obligated to do and listening to this story may inspire you to fulfill this mitzvah of honoring your own father and mother in this beautiful and consoling manner. The full version of Joel's message would not fit into the space allocated for my bulletin article. With Joel's permission, it has been posted on the web site. To view it, click “The Last Day of Kaddish for my Mother”.

“The Last Day of Kaddish for my Mother” ... today is the 13th of Tevet, 11 months less one day. And that is the amount of time you are supposed to say Kaddish for a parent.

Mourner’s Kaddish is said 6 times a day - 4 times during the morning service, once in the afternoon service and once in the evening service. There is an additional Kaddish said Friday during Kabbalat Shabbat. That’s 43 times a week. Over 11 months less one day that comes to close to 2,000 times you say Kaddish. You need to have a community of 10 adult Jews to say Kaddish and certain other prayers.

My mother was buried on a Thursday. We had Shiva for the full week. Thursday, of the next week, I went to our synagogue for morning services and I have been in a synagogue every day since then. And not just once a day - for all but 20 days I was there twice a day.

I did this at first because it was for my mother. I saw my father do this for my grandfather (my mother’s father), for his mother and my mother do this for her mother. I have seen others do it over the years. I did this because it was the right thing to do. But I got far more from doing this than I expected. I have gotten to know many people I’ve known for a long time at B’nai Moshe much better - many of whom were also saying Kaddish. Saying Kaddish became a very important part of the grieving process for me. There is something very comforting in saying Kaddish with your fellow mourners that has helped me deal with the grief from losing my mother.

A couple of months ago, I realized I was “ready” for the Kaddish period to be over. Now that is over, I’m not so sure. Saying Kaddish has been a means of connection to my mother. That connection will now be lost. I will have to find other ways to maintain a sense of connection to her. I have been asked by many people why I have done this. Not many people these days say Kaddish every day for the 11 months. I can’t answer for other people. I am not an overly assertive person. I try to do what I think is right and hope that my example inspires others to do what is right. I needed to do this for my mother, and for me, to show others how I honor my mother and her memory. Until just now I don’t think I realized it was probably the best way I could ever keep the commandment to “Honor your father and your mother so that your days may be long upon the soil which G-d, your G-d, is giving you.” And at the risk of losing some humility, I am proud that I have been able to honor my mother and her memory in this way. Zichrona liv’racha – May her memory be for a blessing.